I'm self obsessed. I know it. I admit it. I wish I could fix it. I look at the ends of my hair all the time, because I have when my hair gets all ratty at the ends. This action gives me a headache and doesn't help my hair situation, but I do it about three hundred times a day. I look in the mirror a lot too.

I'm not really pretty. I know that, but I can't help thinking about my appearance all the time. I don't even have a problem with looking the way I do. I don't think it's really about appearance. It's more about the way it feels like greasy skin and fried hair.

I just thought you should all know I only think about myself.

Tgiving

Well, the holidays have officially arrived. In about thirty minutes, we can all in good conscious listen to xmas music. I am quite uptight about xmas invading the rest of the year in case you were wondering.

After stuffing my face and hating myself for a little bit, I went to see a movie like every other person trying to escape their family for a few minutes. I went to see Blind Side. It was great. It was the only one out I was willing to pay that ungodly sum to go see, and it pleasantly surprised me. It was funny and touching. I expected Sandra Bullock to...well suck, but I love most of her movies so I gave it a chance. It didn't suck. I would be willing to watch that movie again and again. It is Remember the Titans like in that it is a moving sports flick. I really recommend this movie.

Everyone wants to fall in love. Some people just don't know how, or maybe they are just a little too proud.

I had wedding dreams all last night. They came in all different shapes and sizes. Everyone I know that has never been married were thrown to the alter. This includes myself.

The weirdest part was during my best friends wedding I showed up in my wedding dress, because she didn't ask me to be a bride's maid. It was very odd happening, and I cried the rest of the dream for ruining her big day.

I don't know what is going on in my subconscious, but it's getting weird up in there. I'm only nineteen people. This could not be normal. It could be the fact that we were watching "Say yes to the dress" on tv, and every time someone picked a dress my roommate and I would yell about how we were never getting married. We were a little tipsy and not thinking at our best. Well, at least I had a pretty wedding.

I'm a college student. I have made a couple of decisions that I was not proud of the next day, but I will never be that care free wild child. I'm just a little too rational for that. I've been drunk before (sloppy at that), but that's a life experience that no person should be without. I am a responsible person. I don't do things unless they will end well. I never put myself in more danger than humanly possible. Just ask my mother. I never liked anything that could cause me pain.

I don't do stupid things for my own self interest. I don't want to get hurt. I might be the most protected person you will ever know. I don't over share. I'm not about to tell you something that I feel is personal in the least but. You have to hold a special role in my life for that nonsense. I have no problem sharing my opinions, which are extensions of my secret inner thoughts. You'd have to be really good at reading people to decode those cryptic messages, but if you can God-speed.

I've built walls around myself (and cliches too it seems). Don't be surprised if you realize one day that you don't know me very well. Only a few people could consolidate their information can come up with the whole picture.

I'm sorry that's just who I am. I'm not about to get hurt.

Stones at the ready

I think it is a little funny, that when I seriously start to re-look over my eternal work in progress novel is when a national competition (or whatever Nanowirmo is) starts. I have no intention of pretending I'm even taking part of the month of writing. I'll probably never finish this bad boy, but I thought it was a little funny, because I've seen that everyone is working on their novels. Coincidences are so much fun.

Now let us talk about war. I know it's Veteran's Day and that's what made me think of it. I really believe the concept of war is age old and a necessary part of the world. I get it. That does not make me any less of a pacifist. I love that there are people in this country willing to defend us, because in all honesty I don't have that much integrity. I just don't like that we have to kill some people that have nothing to do with the political agenda of their country. we do have a tendency to go after the Dictators and the militant groups after all. I don't like bombs. Guns don't make me happy. I don't like fighting wars over "survival of the fittest" scenarios either. I don't like that we're in a oil war right now, that we can't finish, because we went in there and fucked it up in the first place.

Saddam was a jerk, I know. He, however, ran his country without civil war, which is what the Iraqi people are on the verge now. I don't think it's a waste of money to fix our mistakes (actually that's probably the best use of our money). I just wish we didn't make them in the first place, don't you?

Happy Veteran's day to all those who have served this country. I really do appreciate all that you have given us, even if it doesn't seem that way sometimes. Especially to my father, the Veteran, who usually has to work this day. Yet the children who haven't get the day off, life is funny like that.